2021 was a pretty interesting chapter of my life. There were so many downs. In 2021, I found out that I suffer from anxiety panic disorder. While finding out, I suffer from panic disorder was a relief to how I’ve been feeling for years! However, it also made me worry more and second guess how I approach life’s obstacles.
Let’s just say that while I had so many highs this year. There were so many lows. Imagine feeling like life is all falling into place but also having a rattling feeling that something bad is going to happen or if you do one thing wrong things will shift dramatically. I sometimes anticipate things going wrong to the point where when they do happen, I have no plan to pick the pieces back up because took too much for my energy planning for the wrong time to happen. Failure is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
To remedy the frustrations as I awaited failure, I would challenge that with my workouts, affirmations, toxic positivity. Though these cured my anxiety temporarily what ultimately was helpful for me facing my fears. To make changes in my spirit, my relationships, my family, my environment.
2021 was a year of Hello and a year of Goodbye. I welcomed in positive energy and had to say goodbye to things that were a comfort for me but in hindsight no longer served me.
I am a 3rd generation hoarder. I hoard old clothes, pictures, and birthday cards. (Yes, I still have a lot of my birthday cards from my sweet 16). But in a less literal way, I hoard relationships and experiences. I do what is comfortable to me. I stick to what I know out of fear. And in the back of my mind, I tend to beat myself up for giving in to that fear and not letting myself take on new experiences or blessings in my life. A lot of the reasons why I hold on to things connect to my battle with my anxiety, but my new passion for growth constantly is in battle with it.
I am not abandoning my past, I am honoring my future.
rACHIIESPEAKS
Saying goodbye to my old position was one of the hardest things I had to do. I was entering new territory (literally). I have a higher role, a new apartment, and living with my partner full-time. I was excited about the change but it meant I was leaving so much behind. I did not want to leave my students, the relationships I have built. I felt like I was letting people down.
But I had to understand that I was standing in the way of my own potential. Sometimes we unconsciously talk ourselves out of things because we are afraid to give up the comfort that we know and love. I wasn’t abandoning the team or my students, I was honoring myself and honoring the fact that I have the potential to do more with the tools that God has blessed me with.
Sometimes I need to push past my anxiety to make changes in my life and I am so glad that I went outside of my comfort zone.
Moving forward will lean into embracing the changes that are inevitable while holding on to the memories of the past. I am not abandoning my past, I am honoring my future.
Rachiie Speaks 