Falling In Love… With Me.

I had to fake it until I made it. I put up a front for a long time. I used my obnoxiousness and loud voice to overpower what I felt about myself. I use to fill spaces of silence because it made me uncomfortable. I would call people only to hear their voices because I did not want to feel alone. I wanted to write a love story for Valentine’s Day. I thought it was better to write the love story about me falling in love with myself. Yes, I am in a relationship. But for my relationship to be as strong as it is now. The most important relationship that I needed to have was one with myself.

It took me so long to find love in myself. I used to be a people pleaser. I wanted people to like me, so I would do and say things to make them happy and because I wanted to keep them around. I did not want to be alone because alone felt, felt lonely to me. I wanted to be everything to everyone. The helper, the friendship-therapist, the jokester, the party friend, the lover, and even the bank. Being everything to everyone left me empty. I had no time for myself. No time to check in with the person that mattered, Rachel.

One day, in my early 20s, I found myself alone, I had free time, and no one was around me. I immediately felt sad. I called the guy I was talking to at the time. He did not answer. I called friends. They were busy. I called my mom. Surely she would pick me up. No answer. I even call my Ex… DON DON DONNNNNNN! No answer. (Hindsight: thank God he didn’t!)

But while I was alone, I felt so isolated and so sad. Why could I not shake this feeling that I had? Why was I so sad? Why can’t I just enjoy being alone? While I sat in my thoughts alone, I realized that this was the first peaceful moment I had to myself. I decided to listen to music. I danced around my studio and started to sing. I cleaned my room, I actually took time to pray, and I took time to get back to writing.

As I started to write, India. Arie Private Party came on. This was a song I must have heard a hundred times before. But this time, it hit different! As I listened to the words

Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely

That’s what I’ve come to realize

I’ve learned to love the quiet moments

The Sunday mornings of life

Where I can reach deep down inside

Or out into the universe

I can laugh until I cry

Or I can cry away the hurt

“Private Party” by India.Arie

It started to hit me. I need this time for myself to reconnect with myself. To be with my thoughts and to love on me. The person you spend the most time with is yourself. Why not take the time to nurture that relationship. Loving yourself and the LORD, of course, ignites extraordinary power. It feeds your soul. It shows you how you want and deserves to be loved.

So this upcoming Valentine’s Day, if you are in a relationship or not. Take some time out to love yourself and check-in with yourself.