I Am Not Your Secret

“You’re my little secret, and that’s how we should keep it.” How about, NO! 

While I love X-scape and the song, I am not feeling that message in real life. I do not think relationships or situationships should be put in secret. We can have a level of privacy, which is fine, but as someone who was only good enough to be a man’s secret, you learn that you need more respect than that.

This was a trend in past romantic relationships for me. I thought it was okay, but I realized I was shrinking in the process. From high school into my early twenties, guys I talked to never saw me as someone that they could see walking with hand in hand. I always thought it was because of that whole quote, “what is understood does not need to be explained… WRONG”

I always wondered why it wouldn’t happen for me. Why was I good enough to spend time with you when no one was around? I knew part of it was because of my size. A bigger girl was never seen as someone who wasn’t “desirable enough” to date. On top of that, a girl with my goofy personality, (which I now OWN), was not seen as “girlfriend material”. 

I never spoke up and asked questions about where I stood in a relationship out of fear. I was so afraid to ask the truth or to give an ultimatum. All the while, I was hurting inside. I was fighting back my feelings and needs from my so-called partners. I knew that I did not want to be in love alone. I wanted so desperately for the guy to want me as I wanted them. Secret or not. 

Things changed once I started to tap into my dopeness. Everyone got a lil dopeness in them, we just sometimes are scared to let it shine. We tend to shrink ourselves for others to shine, fear of being judged. Once I started to see how great I was (still am) I got to the point that if a man couldn’t see how valuable I was THEY DIDN’T DESERVE MY PRESENCE. This meant in public and behind closed doors. 

I started to expect more and use my words. I was no longer afraid of their response because I knew I would be fine if I walked away. I knew I would find better and I needed to save my energy and time for a man who would love all parts of my being and want to share who I am with others. 

In my current relationship with my fiancé, I am more vocal. This came with growth, comfortability, and communication. I shared my past and reservations about starting new in a relationship. As time went on in our relationship his consistency and reassurance made me feel more secure in our relationship. His embracing all parts of me is far better than any public display of affection online. 

I wasn’t asking to be posted all day on IG. I just an acknowledgment of my dopeness. Keeping a relationship in private is fine, however, there is a difference between privacy for protection and privacy for shame. 

And on that note… imma let that marinate.

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