I have been fat-shamed for most of my life, and I hardly remember most of the stories vividly. (I tend to block that shit out). The words I remember the most were when it was from family members shaming me.
It was a Saturday morning, and I was getting ready for church. Now in my life, I would gain weight gradually. It was enough where people started to notice and point it out, of course. That day I wanted to wear one of my favorite purple skirts with an exposed zipper in front. I wrestled with the garment for 5 minutes. Squeeze. Push. Suck in my gut. Zip. Squeeze. GASP! Lawd, that skirt was a struggle, but I loved it so much.
The skirt was tight, but I was in denial of my weight gain, and I still thought I looked good, until. Of course, a COMMENT from someone who puts their OWN insecurities on you.
The family member looks at me for about a minute. They tilt their head to the side, and questions, “You are seriously gonna wear that skirt. It doesn’t fit you anymore.”
“So what do you expect me to wear? I think I look good,” I snapback. Clearlyyyyy, I was with the shits that day. It was after multiple people commented on my weight gain the past month. (So your girl was over the damn comments at that point.)
The family member responds, “Well if you wear this to church, I bet you are gonna have to go back home. Because I know the skirt WILL rip on you. You got bigger; that outfit is not for you.”
OHHHHHHH, so not only does the dress not fit, you are trying to say I look like shit. I immediately got heated and was ready to go off. But you know me, I respect my elders. I decided to think to filter my response. My brain was sifting all the curses and clapbacks at the speed of lighting to curate a reply.
“I think it’ll be fine. You might think I look bad, but I like what I am wearing,” my filtered response exits my body. (Good move, Rachiie)
Later, my favorite cousin came to pick me up for church. On the way to church, I started to replay all the other family members said about my skirt and outfit. I began to imagine the skirt ripping to shreds in the middle of the church service. I was so worried. I could tell that my favorite cousin sensed that something was off about me. While she tried to keep me engaged in the car, I kept hiding my worries by giving concise responses. All the while, the possibility of my skirt ripping and me looking bad kept shouting in my head.
When we got to the church, I felt a little bit calmer, but the family member’s words lightly lingered in the back of my head. As we walked up the church steps, I hear it. RIP! The skirt split down the middle. My worse fear now has come true. I immediately felt a warm sensation rushing through my body. It was the feeling of embarrassment. I grabbed my bag to hide the back of the skirt while starting to cry as whisked away to the bathroom. My cousin quickly followed after me.
“What’s wrong? What happened,” she was so concerned.
I couldn’t control my tears; none of the words I said made sense I was. I couldn’t speak; I was so hysterical. I felt so defeated. Like the person who said that to me won a battle against me, I was down on the ropes of the boxing match I had with them.
If you feel confident, if you are happy, then don’t let people make you feel inferior.
Rachiiespeaks.com
After two full minutes of not being able to control my emotions. I finally told my family what happened. She was pissed that this happened to me. She empathized because she knows how are family gets about weight. She got me another skirt to wear from her car.
When she returned, she told me, “Don’t let anyone steal your joy.”
People will say about anything to put you down and question yourself. But it’s how you allow it to affect your day. They can’t steal the happiness you have because they have nothing better to do but cloud other people’s day. Do not let others win. If you feel confident, if you are happy, then don’t let people make you feel inferior.
Rachiie Speaks 